Couples therapy or individual therapy: which is actually right for us?

One of the most common questions I get from prospective clients goes something like this: "Things have been hard between me and my partner. I think we need help — but I'm not sure if we should do couples therapy together, or if I should just do individual therapy first. What do you recommend?"

It's a good question, and the answer isn't formulaic. Both options can lead somewhere meaningful. The wrong call can mean six months of work in the wrong room, with the wrong tools, and the same problems waiting for you on the other side.

Here's how I think about it.

Start with the question: what is the actual problem?

The most useful frame I've found is this — where does the dysfunction live?

If the dysfunction lives between you and your partner — communication breakdowns, recurring conflict, distance, betrayal, parenting disagreements, sexual disconnection — that's a relational pattern. Relational patterns get untangled in relational therapy. Couples therapy is the right room.

If the dysfunction lives inside one or both of you — depression, anxiety, trauma, a substance use issue, an attachment wound from childhood that keeps showing up — that's an individual issue. Individual therapy is the right room.

The complication, of course, is that both are usually true at the same time.

When couples therapy makes sense first

Couples therapy is often the better starting point when:

• The relationship itself is what's making things hard. If you and your partner were doing fine before this current pattern took hold, the problem is more likely between you than within you.
• You're both willing to do the work. Couples therapy requires active participation from both partners. If one person is dragged in resentfully, the work stalls before it starts.
• There's a specific recent issue. A betrayal, a financial crisis, a parenting conflict, a fertility journey — something concrete the two of you need to navigate together.
• You communicate fine alone but fall apart with each other. That's a relational dynamic, and it's exactly what couples therapy is built for.

I use the Gottman Method for couples work, which is research-backed and gives us concrete tools — not just talk. Forty years of studying real couples means we know what predicts relationships that thrive and what predicts ones that fall apart. We don't have to guess.

When individual therapy makes sense first

Individual therapy is usually the better starting point when:

• You're carrying something into the relationship from before it. Trauma, attachment patterns, family-of-origin issues, and unprocessed grief all show up in our partnerships, but they didn't start there.
• One person has untreated mental health issues. Active addiction, untreated severe depression, or untreated severe anxiety make couples therapy much harder to do well.
• You don't yet know what you want. If you're in the "should I stay or should I go?" phase, that's often individual work — clarifying your own values and needs before negotiating with someone else's.
• There's been ongoing harm. If there's been emotional abuse, threats, or violence in the relationship, couples therapy is generally not appropriate as a first step. Safety planning and individual support need to come first.

The honest answer most couples don't want to hear

The most common right answer is: both, in sequence, sometimes overlapping. And that's not a cop-out — it's how the work actually unfolds.

Here's what that often looks like in real life:

1. The couple comes in for couples therapy because the conflict feels intolerable.
2. Two or three sessions in, it becomes obvious that one partner is also dealing with significant individual stuff — let's say untreated anxiety and a complicated history with their parents.
3. That partner adds individual therapy alongside the couples work (generally with a different therapist than the couples therapist, to avoid role confusion).
4. Six months later, both spaces have done their work. The couple is doing better not just because of the couples therapy, but because one partner did the individual work that made the couples work possible.

This is normal. It's not failure. It's how couples often heal — by the relationship getting one kind of help and the individuals getting another.

What I'd say to someone deciding right now

If I had to give a single piece of advice for someone trying to choose, it would be this:

If you're not sure whether to do couples or individual therapy, start with a consultation call. Tell the therapist what's going on. A skilled therapist will help you figure out where the work most needs to happen first — and they should be honest about it even if it means referring you elsewhere instead of taking your money.

One thing I tell people often: starting in the wrong room doesn't ruin anything. You can always shift. Therapists who are honest about what they're seeing will tell you when the work needs to move.

The mistake isn't picking the "wrong" option. The mistake is putting it off another six months because you're not sure.

If you're in the Lee's Summit or Kansas City area

I offer both individual and couples therapy at Summit Ridge Counseling, with in-person sessions at our Lee's Summit office and telehealth across Missouri. If you're not sure which is the right starting point, we can figure it out together in a free 15-minute consultation — no pressure, no commitment, just a conversation about what you're navigating.

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This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional consultation, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are in a relationship where you do not feel safe, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788) before pursuing couples therapy.